WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
