I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
