What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
The best revenge is premature balding
Swine flu is the new snow day.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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