Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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