i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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