when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
