Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize