i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
