If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
