yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
