I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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