I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
