Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Someone signed my nipple.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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