I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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