I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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