Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
