also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
