I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
