There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
