I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
