It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
