i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
