She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
