White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
