Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
