put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
