well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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