Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
