Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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