i need an iv and a liver transplant
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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