Your face is a jimmy john
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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