I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
