I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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