My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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