ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize