Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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