I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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