you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
