My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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