i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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