i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
