i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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