I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
