stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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