They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
