Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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