I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
