Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize