The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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