It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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