Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
