apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
