The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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