I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
