On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
