Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
