all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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