I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
