At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
