I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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