Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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