How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
