I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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