The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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