never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
