Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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