I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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