So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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