2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
